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“My Wife has a Boyfriend”
https://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/4196

“You sit down with your wife and you say:

Honey, I’ve fucked up. I was all kinds of die-hard tough guy, I pretended I didn’t need you, I pretended I didn’t care, I pretended I was fine with it. I’m really not. I’m really not.

The worst mistake of my adult life, was to let you go. Worst mistake. Worst mistake—It’s cost me everything, it cost me happiness, peace of mind, energy, any capacity to feel pride, a sense of accomplishment, anything. It cost me everything. I can’t even imagine what any kind of sense of accomplishment would be like. You know, we prat along about fucking the wage gap and feminism and bullshit, that’s not where my heart is, that’s not where my balls are, that’s not where any part of me is.

What I am, is a man broken by pride. What I am is a man broken by an armor I put on to protect myself, that emptied me out and now all I am is clanking rusty bullshit. I refused to be vulnerable to you, I refused to be open with you, I refused to express preferences with you. And I kinda dared you to take another man ‘cause I just didn’t care. Well, it turns out, my darling, it turns out that not caring about you means, I don’t care about anything. I’ve become so tough, so self-sufficient, so proud and alone in my own tower, that I feel like I’m never gonna touch the ground again. Never gonna feel simple grass on my soles.

I took a terrible wrong turn, before I met you. A terrible wrong turn, I was tempted into appearing indifferent, I was tempted into appearing above it all, I was tempted into appearing cynical, and care free, careless. And it’s emptied me out. It’s emptied me out.

I can barely make it through the day, I don’t wanna come home. I’m actually scared of where our family unit is going. I’m scared of what’s gonna happen with my boy, when he gets older. I’m scared of what’s gonna happen with you, I’m scared of this distance between us which seems to only be growing and getting worse! I’m scared of everything. So, I pretend I’m scared of nothing. And I have nothing. I feel nothing. I have no love, no commitment, no connection, no loyalty. And you rather have your hand than me? I’m less than a digit, and I did that. I did that. I did that to you, by telling you I didn’t need you, by telling you could go and do whatever you wanted like it didn’t matter to me. It was a lie and the only defense I have is I didn’t even know it was a lie, didn’t even know it was a lie. I thought it was true.

But it wasn’t true. And the way that I know it wasn’t true, is I’m miserable without you. I’m lost. I’m just going through the motions. I’m just a machine—empty, purposeless. Senseless
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAdo4gqefew